The feeling from Down Under

A busy month behind and ahead.
Hope for a calm December,
but doubt it.
My calender shows it,
Aya ceremonies,
weddings,
concerts,
and a gimpy dog left in Idaho.
Since then studying,
working,
fraternizing.
Halloween was amazing.
Tried hustling for TWD party,
volunteered at zomBcon,
Shamen costume a hit.
Sat night Smoking Bill at Julia's,
many friends,
a drunk retard pawing me,
while others girls eyed me.
An Aussie friend of Kim's,
short skirt,
slutty baseball outfit.
Her 1st Halloween.
She also imbibed a bit much,
I was more than willing to help.
I was sober,
gave her a piggy back ride,
silky smooth legs
wrapped around my bare torso.
Squeals about her bum showing,
kissing on my neck and ears.
Devonn gimping,
the rest trailing.
At Jesse's complex we passionatly made out,
til the rest arrived.
Naughty!
D is a wasted mess.
Tips over the couch 1st thing.
I proceed to ignore her,
secretly flirt with Janelle.
Leave when the awkwardness is too much,
make my decision.
Take D home.
Walk her downstairs.
She falls 1st thing.
Flag down a cab,
walk her to her buildings gate,
tell her I'm not coming inside.
Go back to the party.
Unburdened!!
We have a seance for Jesse's dead neighbor.
Now the only 'awkwardness' is due to my past,
with Ellen.
It's fine in my head,
I assume in Ellen's,
not Janelle's.
Doesn't stop her from following me into the hall,
embracing,
carressing,
amazing.
Sobriety comes to my aid again.
Offer to drive the girls home,
no cab costs,
more opp for me with her.
I ended up spooning with her on the couch,
for the few hours until work.
Tried and denied.
Admirable.
The next day she went back to Vancouver.
I've been planning my trip since.
Everyday her texts start and end my day.
I'm elated.
I'm also realistic.
She's hot and 4 hours away.
Since then I've learned,
Jesse tried cockblocking me,
telling her I don't have a home
and a STD.
FAIL.
Ellen helped me out.
As I'm dancing at Julias
J-"I can't tell if your friend in the bones is hot."
E- "Yeah! Go for it. He's great in bed."
Her words, thus far-
Oct 31- 952a--Hey :-) no I didn'y :-( so tired but I can hopefilly sleep on the awesome bus! the cat was deteremined 2 keep me awake and she did! Yeh sounds like a plan!
952a--=Hopefully my life will be 2gether soon i miss having a semi normal life! Hope works not 2 bad 4 u although sucked you had 2 get up and leave early! Xo
1206p-Yeh would have been nice huh but got 2 earn money :-) sorry didnt come up with kim a little hung over right now :-( i look like crap
740p-Well I am safe and sound in teh land of canada again soooo tired though! If you wnat to msg me ull have to get me at this number til I'm back in the states. How was work? Xo
Nov 2- 314p-No way! Now thats scary and so weird poor dude! [referring the seance we had for Jesse's neighbor, who we found out had actually died.]
551pHow are u anyways?
1047p--Nite nite sweet dreams enjoy the rest of work
Nov 3- 1043a-Hey sorry I did getr missed call but had my phone on silent u must have just missed me :(
912p-Haha sorry I'm in a nice hot bubble bath by candle light and my phones on silent and yeh I hate recording those things lol oh yeah wat she say? How long were u guys together? [Ellen]
947p-Don't take offense I suck at talking on the phone lol
1013p-:( u suck with your phone even more! Nite Nick [I was cooking at the Dub and got caught up]
Nov 4- 242a--You crazy kid why u biking so late? I just figured u were at work! She missed the part bout telling me u were her ex which immediately I was like ok no go zone then she said no seriously its fine etc. I'm never normally cool with that though so took awhile! how long were u with her for? Oh yeah u planning a trip to korea? Do you know where I left my bat? Ha ha
251a- Ohh she also said u were good in bed :)
903a- Oh gotcha well she is a girl we tend to always want more! Its great u guys are still friends.
918a- Yeh I'm still friends with my exs but a lot of ppl don't get why I stay friends with them! U know why I have scratches on my right thigh did I fall into a tree of something? Lol last time I drink tequila I don't remember how much I had and where my bat went! Now I have to get a new one if I want to wear the costume again
941a- Hahahahah omg yes now I remember falling haha what a cluts! I remember u carrying me! Jessie also told me you had an sti! And I remember this guy talking to me then asking mm if he could kiss me and I said no he said are you sure haha. At least I remember bits! Oh yeh why a smile huh? [I replied about her legs wrapped around me and kissing my neck]
1009a- Oh yes I remember that do you mean my silky scratched legs lol how's ur friend btw? Heard from her?
507p- I've had such a shit day and need a massage and if I remember ur a pro at them too bad u live ages away huh-
605p- Hahaha no I wouldn't take u away from ur life and engagements and atm I'm staying with a fam friend so I wouldn't have anywhere for you to stay! U do know its at least a 3.5 hour drive yeh? Arghh I just want a job so I can get my life into order and stop stressing
728p- Hahaha I would not let u sleep in a tent! No its not odd its teh accent huh? What u studying?
807p- I've decided to become a stripper lol good money then I can get a place
815p- Lol really? Well would be a way to get ppl to kno me
837p- All for it then?
858p- Hahaha ud need a week to work on me! Listen to u! It's only been 4 days miss me huh?
935p- its tempting! But its a no for now wait til I get myself set up somewhere then u owe me a massage but ur not allowed to hurt lol I have a lot of knots! I do want to see u though I've never had someone drive 3.5 hours just to see me before lol oh I'm sure u can be! What do u study? Heard from that sweet girl?
957p- Oh nice when is it? That's good then sucks for her! If u haven't noticed I hate walking on ppls feet! What u thinking?
1011p- Mm yeh ur puppy :( poor little munchkin I remember you telling me about her! I love animlas I walked into a pet store today and wanted to buy all the puppies and cats :) mm its a trait that can sucka t times but I'm happy with who I am :) so u have no life atm
1046p- Well busy man ill leave u to it! take care xo
Nov 5-1125p- Today was much better!
Nov 6- 1206a-Hahah sounds like fun! Magic? My day consisted of job hunting and my first ice hockey game in which the mascot confessed his love for me haha
516a- Oh hey no fair u could have just let me believe I was special! Now I'm just like everyone else! Sorry guess I passed out before u! Nite
953a- Good morning Hump fest? Hmm not sure yet I'm such a bum I just got up!
1030a- We have sexpo in sydney once a year doesn't sell out though its a massive venue! Sounds like fun!
1044a- Oh come on going with a lesbian is so much better!
1058a- Mmm and remembering is a bad thing? Hey maybe ull meet another aussie :)
1151am- Haha true like last sat :)ok have fun xo
521p- Nice red wine sitting in front of fire soo good!
536p- Nice so u a good cook?
908p- Oh yeh well natures getting alittle cold now! I hat efreezing my butt off! You know I've never seen snow fall and only touched snow once! So if ur a good cook and give great massage why are you single?
1119p- I hope ur having a fabulous time :)
....11/29
The conversation has continued.
For better or worse,
she still calls,
although I confuse and frustrate.
Chocolate stawberries,
17 y.o. dog 2 years gone.
Missing wine and bath time.
She misses me...
and my wicked ways.
She hates men,
I'm rude for numerous reasons,
I worry her,
she doesn't know about us.
SHe wants to go out on a date,
she doesn't want an open relationship,
she is willing to come see me.
My living situation is known.
A busted tailbone at 7.
I didn't seem interested in her day,
I'm too busy for her.
She's been last priority too many times.
She can't sleep thinking about me.
'Distance makes her double question things.
We would be better as friends.
We're so different in every way!
I like u but there is always something upsetting me.'
I reply I'm calm like a monk.
She's just a stress case.
Constantly blowing me up
'I'm a shmuck lol'
She's glad she met me.
'I may get angry withu doesn't mean I think bad of you!
Mozzies LOVE me!
Still not sure about us btw'
Every guy she dates starts working out after they meet.
WTF am I getting myself into?
I think of the potential,
but damn!!
Haven't even made her squeal in delight,
and that's usually when the crazy switch gets switched.
On top of everything else right now,
this is just more silly stress.

acahuaya

Before 9/11/10
Preparations have been made.
Brew is cooking.
I am ready to don white.
Tabla rasa.
Regardless the events ,
of the day,
week,
year,
life.
All done and over.
All that matters is I am Here.
Be present.
It is all I know,
What do I want tonight?
It's not a workout plan.
Bigger pecs,
cut abs.
Tonight I am not sure
what/where I want [to go].
I am content to be led.
Whether it's through
dimensions,
times,
or my subconscious.
I want to tap into the natural.
The forgotten realm
modern day has
Dispelled as superstition or myth.
The connecting thread
between it all.
What symbolism will come out.
Rhythmic chanting.
Rattling beads.
Earthy aroma.
The humid air.
Transport to the jungle
we came from.
When 6th sense kept us alive.
Even without brew, I'm feeling...
something.
We sang to _______.
We stirred.
Imparted good energy.

Days later-
slightly dejected.
Subconscious alterations not as satisfying.
MEdicine imbibed.
Effected.
Affected?
Nothing feels different.
Which could be for the best.
Reiki manana.
See who/what is with me.
Will the giraffe turn to Anubis?
A question asked numerous times.
In different situations.
Why not me?!??
I had prepared for the extreme.
I dressed in accordance.
Ritual adhered to.
To eager??
Years of anticipation.
Hours or preparations.
For a millenia un-experienced...
consciously.
It was a deep slumber
Should have closed the circle,
but responsibilities ruled,
phone works both ways.

Lost things

I last met the girl,

of my dreams,

when I stopped.

Admired beauty.

Time to breath,

to think,

Yet I want to go.

To converse.

When I do stop.

No one is around.

Without a phone,

lost being a guide,

and explorer,

I feel more alone.

SO many people.

I want here.

Now.

Even my dog.

A vacant hole inside.

The beauty of the world,

not enough to fill it.

Ocean surf in front,

bluffs behind me,

I've still been happier.

With Her.

That is ,

all the Her's.

Moments shared,

longed for.

I can only hope it will come.

And stay.

A storm passed?

July 2 7:19am-
T- U should be awake right now cause.... No.... strike that... I should have taken advantage of the moment, kicked jamie out and fucked u for what may very well b the last time. But oh well... what can you do? ;)
me-Well now I am! And teh last time I have sex with anyone will be b4 i die. I may not be worth a shit as a boyfriend but I do have some redeming qualities
T-ur so funny... but what a waste to wait til u die my dear...
T-Well till before the moment u die or...?
me-I do have a house to myself... let me tend to the critters and i'll be over
T-I can always count on u to be the dramatic one ;)
T-Wanna come over an watch a movie with me an pretend its simple again?
T-Okie dokie. I hope you like black metal
me-As long as your not refering to the gun lorenwants to shoot me with :)
T-No. I made sure to txt as he was goin to work.

Crisis averted.
Or continued?
An awkward return of items.
Unreasonable protectivness.
Easy when you get told one version.
Back to 'home',
a short couch,
some stinky bitches.
The next morning I awake to the above conversation.
Ex sex is the best.
She comes back.
We watch movies and all is simple.
Drink a lot.
Her secrets revealed.
Yet still talking to me.
She gets pissed I'm tired.
Then she takes a nap.
A mellow night,
in a warm bed.
Saturday.
Jealousy rears its head,
a promised ride denied.
Lucky for her,
I was going down,
to Zombie town!
Bevs and bites,
pillows and blankets,
fake blood and makeup.
A day in the sun,
a shamble in Fremont.
We were planning on watching the movie,
hence the prep,
but plans changed.
To the Mercury.
Once again we waited.
Guested in,
to the dank smokey den.
Full of ugly people,
hiding in black.
Except the flame haired guy,
two women on his arm.
We shared.
Anger came later.
At the man with dragons.
An arm around her waist,
a twisted wrist.
Wish I had broke it.
Along with the candle in his temple,
hot wax in his eye.
Rage unknown!

T-Nah. Dog replaces u well better conversationalist :) just cant sleep

Who did I miss more?

Who causes me less strife?

T- We just got back from a day at the beach. How r u?

T-Sweet. She-ra and I r goin to a drag show tonight.

T-Sooo I have a wedding on saturday. Wanna go with?

T-Im passing on the wedding on sat. Highland games that day. Wanna go?

July 8

drive up to see my bitches,

dog sit.

Buy requested beer and rubbing alcohol,

take out the purple.

Passion.

Sleepless night for her,

ended up in recliner,

leave me undisturbed?

Although I sleep like the dead.

Wake her to tell her I'm leaving.

Want her to come,

go for a hike,

a lake,

the ocean.

Escape the heat.

She's running on few hours of sleep,

in multiple days.

Grumpy.

I think some nature therapy will help her.

She thinks I'm an asshole.

'You'll just hold me back."

Not my best choice in words.

The truth.

But it hurts.

I leave so she can rest.

T- Come back when ur done.

T-If you were nice u would have stayed. Nevermind. Dont come back.

me- if you treated me like a friend instead of a foe... I know you feel bad but hating on me wont help.

I really like you and want to be around you but there are times I wonder if i'm just your whipping boy fuck toy

I wonder why i keep coming back for me

T-Ur not a whipping boy. or the center of the universe, drama king. Believe it or not this has nothing to do with you. But u have no remorse or understanding of what this feels like. U think I can just shrug it off an go hiking, and when I cant you make me feel bad. Thats the last thing i need. I cant relate to ur lack of compassion. SO dont bother 'coming back for more'. So sorry to inconvenience u. But u knew what u got urself into beginning. Did I not warn you here.. so it is what it is.

me-I'm sorry you perceive it that way. GOing to take the blind dog for a walk then go to deception pass. I would love your company on the drive.

T-well im home. Otherwise, Id guess id be ur company, much to ur disdain it seems like.... anyway, have fun.

me- I want to share the experience with you but I don't wnat you to tax yourself. We will mosey along at an easy pace. I just think some nature will help.

Leaving my cousins. Want to come play in the water?

A couple hours on the beach,

a bridge,

no thoughts of jumping.

Just think it would hurt.

How tall is it?

Back to reality.

A couple beers,

a light snack.

A nap interupted,

by her text.

Go to her place.

Intending on just getting leash,

Thinking she once again hates me.

Smooth things over,

til things get too hot.

Tacos and pick tacos,

do not mix.

I make it up to her....

a few times.

Early riser,

tend to doggies.

Highland games.

Tool?

on and on....

Today
t- Ur still comin tonight right?
me- of course. I feel bad enough you waited this long. Plus I was going to do a couple massages.
t- What do massages have to do with anything?

to which a reply is pointless.

Blood, Weddings, Breakdown/up

A weekend started with good intentions,
A concert to share.
Ruined by an empty stomach
and a half gal of whiskey.
The true price of drinking.
$130 hula hoop gone.
GF pissed and crying,
show she waited for,
2, 3, 4, months [?]
$22 concert not remembered.
$70 she spent on....?
Gay pride,
makes me think I was roofied.
'Cept I know I was sole culprit.
Sat spent making up.
Roses, wine, sushi, a new dress.
Wedding rehearsal,
picked up after she rallied around,
a quite night with a movie,
I fell asleep.
Mind you,
this was the full moon night.
Sunday---
[insert ominous music]
work,
left early for wedding,
pictures,
obligations,
ceremony,
unknown blood.
Traumatized girl,
a quick change of clothes,
short off my back,
used.
Already red.
Then,
open bar.
Chatty old men,
jealous,
dancing me.
Drunker and drunker,
Hotel,
Ford fornication,
squeeky rack,
passed out make out,
but not with me,
slapped and jacked.
Running away,
into the night,
pass out in truck,
a beacon...
of fultility.
No bluff.
Left everything.
Dead me,
expected calamity.
At least she waited.
An end to the madness?

Now- her words.
yoga studio, check. Trapoline, check. lawnmower, check. Front lawn, check. Ur room, check. My room, check. Ferry boat, check. Am I missing anywhere?
Well I need everything I left in your truck.
Lulu- She's home asleep :)
So when can I expect my shit back? I have your id. Im holding it hostage.
And your little friend gary can eat a dick. I'm sure he's enjoy it. Biggest asshole ive met so far.
Worst fucking weekend ever. really. Couldnt have been shittier. Thank you. Did I forget to thank you? How rude of me.Had nothing to do with u? Wow. Really. Whatever nick. It is what it is all I care about it getting everything I left at your house and in ur car back.
Seriously. When can I get my fucking things?
[call to get Stephen's side]
Ok. Well loren is more than happy to come down and collect them but I dont think u really want that.
Fine. Please make sure u get EVERYTHING of mine. I really really dont want to have to ask for anything you left behind.
[try calling again cause my thumb was getting tired]
Theres about nothin to talk about.
Im gonna need my shit sooner than thursday. My life is in that bag and thursday is four days away.
Oh please. U didnt even know him. u had ask him his namewhen you got to the room earlier that day and he just kissed me. Calm the fuck down. Its not like we're even exclusive. And I didnt get my stuff cuz it was ur house. I didnt want to go all the way there not knowing if anyone was home.
[note- I lived with him, have known him for almost a year. We had talked about being exclusive. AND she has my roommates number and could have called him.]
I have nothing more to say to u [obviously] so u can stop calling me. I just want my shit back. Then im done. [that makes two]
What are you talking about? I didnt steal anything.
Yeah I remember getting my period so fuckin what?
Ur not making any sense. Just drop it.
U fucking handed them to me to get a cab!
Wow. Yeah. What was I thinkin. Ur fucking jesus. Way to b. Im so very done discussing this absolute bullshit with u.
Once again, please dont forget anything really want to do this in one shot if you dont mind.
I tried to get you in cab to go home but you and gary were bein stupid. First gary calls you a cab then wanted you to stay. It would have take all night for u to sober up and I didn't want to be there anymore. I just wanted to go home. I cant tolerate being stuck somewhere I dont want to b. I didnt evenw ant to go to the fucking wedding in the first place. [which is why she brought a lovely dress and did her hair up amazing]
What time thursday will u b dropping my stuff off?
Midnight?R u serious? Why midnight? Thats kinda of a odd time...
Uhhhh k. U close the clinic that late huh? Hmmmm....
I guess midnight will have to be fine then. Just please do it. Im really gonna need everything for this weekend. Thnx.
Dont forhet my sisters bike.
Oh jesus. Drama queen. No one 'hates' u.

So that was from this week, this is from May 22-
Hi baby! Just wanted 2 say hello. Thats all. Bye now. take pictures. Xoxoxxx

That is what I miss :(

Txt madness

Jeremy
lol.I have a feeling you'd be afraid that life could pass you by bc someone was holding you back. i think you just need a very particular kind of women.
Michelle
I have an opinion if you want to hear it.
Jeremy
lol. a particular kind of lady, indeed. there's one someplace. probably bathing naked on the pacific crest trail or something.
Taryn
I've been over it. Never was mad inthe first place. Just bored. Indifferent.
Karli
Ok. Keep me posted :)
Taryn
Would be or will be?
Lindsay
Thanks darlin'! We're playing on friday at the morgue if you wanna come down :]
Beth
Were having an 80's party this sat, you must come!
Taryn
Call me tonight so I can figure out the details of my weekend
Merideth
What was up with the text last night
Rachel
Hehehe I was gonna say 'whats the occasion?" hehehe where to? I'm down
Jen
Did you want to go watch the game? I think I'm going to do downtown and watch it
Karli
How was your massage
Shelly
Gonna go out and get into trouble in that?
Karli
If you changed your minda bout inviting me out just let me know so I can make other plans
Rascal
being a nice guy is a good thing.... not all hot chicks like assholes.
Trust me , I like hot geeks
Merideth
Gotcha- is this girl from up where bryan lives
Karli
Nah i'm good. Putting my dresser together. Thanks tho!
Which I wish I could get video. Lol butter knifes are like duct tape. Work for everything
Merideth
K I can't keep up
Shelly
Hell yea when I get back into town we need to hang out lol
Merideth
Whatever I should get a huge box of condom so u will be safe
Jen
Not sure about noc non, I was thinking about making break tonight
Shelly
Haha does bp not include beer inyour universe?:-) granted i play with mix drinks
Merideth
Well that is good u know I have to put out there considering what I do for work
k good
Karli
What are you wearing to noc noc?
Shelly
Lol I missed the kidding the fuirst read through and was like whaaaaaat. Then was like no this man is high
Karli
Shut your face. Ur Really wearing teh tux? lol. Thats awesome
Pam
Fabulous picture! That woudlbe fun... I always wanted to check out the fourth over the water there too. Sadly never madeit. What's on the agenda tonight?
Daphne
Cute. What's going on this week?
Karli
Lol. Amazing. Whats the dress attire at this place? Thats what I''m looking for. Is it casual? Jeans, t-shirt, wedding dress, sweats, ball gown?
Daphne
What the fuck?!?! Thanks for telling me. To who?!
Pam
Lol and and how are you feeling about beings et up and shopped for
Jennie
K I'll see you shorly
Severina
Black ;)
Karli
:/ dressy w/ a goth twist. Interesting. Thanks btw
Shelly
Don't scare me like that making think you have gone crazy square and not your hippie self
Karli
Really? Did you really just send that. Lol
Sarah
How ever she wants!
Mike
Any chance you an run the black mower in the front? Thanks
Karli
Can I make a small request?
Sarah
are you rocking the tux?
Karli
Wondering if u wouldn't mind meeting me at my place and going w/ me. I have no clue where i'm going.
Bridget
Wat's-a-happenin'?
Karli
Booo! I'm so bored. Wish i was there.
Karli
You have a what? omg im so jealous! I've wanted one for years.
:)
Taryn
Ur a tard
Ben
Are the girls going with?
Karli
I'm going to call it a night
Severina
On our way!
Sarah
Waiting for sev to pick me up, shes on her way now...we should be there in 20 mins! ;)
Jennie
Hey thanks for letting me see the house. I found a place that fits my needs a little better (fenced yard for my puppy). good luck finding a new roomie!
Lulu
Hi nick. Is it cool if u meet up w us after the concert? Would you b able 2 drive so I can get my bike outta of ur truck? Ill buy you a drink if you do :)
Taryn
So im thinking it would b easier if I spent the night at your house on friday night. Are you gonna skip rehersal dinner?
Pam
Lol always a plus
Shelly
Sup
Taryn
Ok. Afterwork on sat can we r goin straigt to pride then yes?
Or do you have to go to jesses show? Kim just txt me about it. How long is it? We have to meet ariel and tom
Either way. Ariel and tom take forever anyway. how long is jesses show?
Kenzie
I have a show tomorrow at julias on broadway at 4-6. Free and in the beer garden!
Shelly
nice where you wera it yesterday
Heidi
Busy night! Beer? or bbq food? Nothing? Something? :)
Adam
Hi Nic how r u? I have text now so txt away
Pride in NY, la was a few weekends ago. Suked. Things are good. Busy as hell. Glad that we can chat now bcit's soo hard fore to talk on tele
Shelly
What place
Adam
Z galerie, internship and school. Nothingt o exciting or strenuous. u? Ohhh I live by runyon now
Taryn
Uhhh... that woudl be great but i'm coming up w lu and we're leaving depending on baby daddy schedule. Boo. I don't know y i have to suffer, I didn't shout out a kid :(
Karli
What are u up to?
Shelly
Nice super jealous can not wait til october, just bought a ninja turtle belt buckle

this is me being kinda lazy....
I should have done this for my meltdown,
but I enjoy the pleasant aftermath I'm in now.