Friday, July 16, 2010

Lost things



I last met the girl,

of my dreams,

when I stopped.

Admired beauty.

Time to breath,

to think,

Yet I want to go.

To converse.

When I do stop.

No one is around.

Without a phone,

lost being a guide,

and explorer,

I feel more alone.

SO many people.

I want here.

Now.

Even my dog.

A vacant hole inside.

The beauty of the world,

not enough to fill it.

Ocean surf in front,

bluffs behind me,

I've still been happier.

With Her.

That is ,

all the Her's.

Moments shared,

longed for.

I can only hope it will come.

And stay.

Monday, July 5, 2010

A storm passed?

July 2 7:19am-
T- U should be awake right now cause.... No.... strike that... I should have taken advantage of the moment, kicked jamie out and fucked u for what may very well b the last time. But oh well... what can you do? ;)
me-Well now I am! And teh last time I have sex with anyone will be b4 i die. I may not be worth a shit as a boyfriend but I do have some redeming qualities
T-ur so funny... but what a waste to wait til u die my dear...
T-Well till before the moment u die or...?
me-I do have a house to myself... let me tend to the critters and i'll be over
T-I can always count on u to be the dramatic one ;)
T-Wanna come over an watch a movie with me an pretend its simple again?
T-Okie dokie. I hope you like black metal
me-As long as your not refering to the gun lorenwants to shoot me with :)
T-No. I made sure to txt as he was goin to work.

Crisis averted.
Or continued?
An awkward return of items.
Unreasonable protectivness.
Easy when you get told one version.
Back to 'home',
a short couch,
some stinky bitches.
The next morning I awake to the above conversation.
Ex sex is the best.
She comes back.
We watch movies and all is simple.
Drink a lot.
Her secrets revealed.
Yet still talking to me.
She gets pissed I'm tired.
Then she takes a nap.
A mellow night,
in a warm bed.
Saturday.
Jealousy rears its head,
a promised ride denied.
Lucky for her,
I was going down,
to Zombie town!
Bevs and bites,
pillows and blankets,
fake blood and makeup.
A day in the sun,
a shamble in Fremont.
We were planning on watching the movie,
hence the prep,
but plans changed.
To the Mercury.
Once again we waited.
Guested in,
to the dank smokey den.
Full of ugly people,
hiding in black.
Except the flame haired guy,
two women on his arm.
We shared.
Anger came later.
At the man with dragons.
An arm around her waist,
a twisted wrist.
Wish I had broke it.
Along with the candle in his temple,
hot wax in his eye.
Rage unknown!

T-Nah. Dog replaces u well better conversationalist :) just cant sleep
Who did I miss more?
Who causes me less strife?
T- We just got back from a day at the beach. How r u?
T-Sweet. She-ra and I r goin to a drag show tonight.
T-Sooo I have a wedding on saturday. Wanna go with?
T-Im passing on the wedding on sat. Highland games that day. Wanna go?
July 8
drive up to see my bitches,
dog sit.
Buy requested beer and rubbing alcohol,
take out the purple.
Passion.
Sleepless night for her,
ended up in recliner,
leave me undisturbed?
Although I sleep like the dead.
Wake her to tell her I'm leaving.
Want her to come,
go for a hike,
a lake,
the ocean.
Escape the heat.
She's running on few hours of sleep,
in multiple days.
Grumpy.
I think some nature therapy will help her.
She thinks I'm an asshole.
'You'll just hold me back."
Not my best choice in words.
The truth.
But it hurts.
I leave so she can rest.
T- Come back when ur done.
T-If you were nice u would have stayed. Nevermind. Dont come back.
me- if you treated me like a friend instead of a foe... I know you feel bad but hating on me wont help.
I really like you and want to be around you but there are times I wonder if i'm just your whipping boy fuck toy
I wonder why i keep coming back for me
T-Ur not a whipping boy. or the center of the universe, drama king. Believe it or not this has nothing to do with you. But u have no remorse or understanding of what this feels like. U think I can just shrug it off an go hiking, and when I cant you make me feel bad. Thats the last thing i need. I cant relate to ur lack of compassion. SO dont bother 'coming back for more'. So sorry to inconvenience u. But u knew what u got urself into beginning. Did I not warn you here.. so it is what it is.
me-I'm sorry you perceive it that way. GOing to take the blind dog for a walk then go to deception pass. I would love your company on the drive.
T-well im home. Otherwise, Id guess id be ur company, much to ur disdain it seems like.... anyway, have fun.
me- I want to share the experience with you but I don't wnat you to tax yourself. We will mosey along at an easy pace. I just think some nature will help.
Leaving my cousins. Want to come play in the water?

A couple hours on the beach,
a bridge,
no thoughts of jumping.
Just think it would hurt.
How tall is it?
Back to reality.
A couple beers,
a light snack.
A nap interupted,
by her text.
Go to her place.
Intending on just getting leash,
Thinking she once again hates me.
Smooth things over,
til things get too hot.
Tacos and pick tacos,
do not mix.
I make it up to her....
a few times.
Early riser,
tend to doggies.
Highland games.
Tool?

Thursday, July 1, 2010

on and on....

Today
t- Ur still comin tonight right?
me- of course. I feel bad enough you waited this long. Plus I was going to do a couple massages.
t- What do massages have to do with anything?

to which a reply is pointless.

Blood, Weddings, Breakdown/up

A weekend started with good intentions,
A concert to share.
Ruined by an empty stomach
and a half gal of whiskey.
The true price of drinking.
$130 hula hoop gone.
GF pissed and crying,
show she waited for,
2, 3, 4, months [?]
$22 concert not remembered.
$70 she spent on....?
Gay pride,
makes me think I was roofied.
'Cept I know I was sole culprit.
Sat spent making up.
Roses, wine, sushi, a new dress.
Wedding rehearsal,
picked up after she rallied around,
a quite night with a movie,
I fell asleep.
Mind you,
this was the full moon night.
Sunday---
[insert ominous music]
work,
left early for wedding,
pictures,
obligations,
ceremony,
unknown blood.
Traumatized girl,
a quick change of clothes,
short off my back,
used.
Already red.
Then,
open bar.
Chatty old men,
jealous,
dancing me.
Drunker and drunker,
Hotel,
Ford fornication,
squeeky rack,
passed out make out,
but not with me,
slapped and jacked.
Running away,
into the night,
pass out in truck,
a beacon...
of fultility.
No bluff.
Left everything.
Dead me,
expected calamity.
At least she waited.
An end to the madness?

Now- her words.
yoga studio, check. Trapoline, check. lawnmower, check. Front lawn, check. Ur room, check. My room, check. Ferry boat, check. Am I missing anywhere?
Well I need everything I left in your truck.
Lulu- She's home asleep :)
So when can I expect my shit back? I have your id. Im holding it hostage.
And your little friend gary can eat a dick. I'm sure he's enjoy it. Biggest asshole ive met so far.
Worst fucking weekend ever. really. Couldnt have been shittier. Thank you. Did I forget to thank you? How rude of me.Had nothing to do with u? Wow. Really. Whatever nick. It is what it is all I care about it getting everything I left at your house and in ur car back.
Seriously. When can I get my fucking things?
[call to get Stephen's side]
Ok. Well loren is more than happy to come down and collect them but I dont think u really want that.
Fine. Please make sure u get EVERYTHING of mine. I really really dont want to have to ask for anything you left behind.
[try calling again cause my thumb was getting tired]
Theres about nothin to talk about.
Im gonna need my shit sooner than thursday. My life is in that bag and thursday is four days away.
Oh please. U didnt even know him. u had ask him his namewhen you got to the room earlier that day and he just kissed me. Calm the fuck down. Its not like we're even exclusive. And I didnt get my stuff cuz it was ur house. I didnt want to go all the way there not knowing if anyone was home.
[note- I lived with him, have known him for almost a year. We had talked about being exclusive. AND she has my roommates number and could have called him.]
I have nothing more to say to u [obviously] so u can stop calling me. I just want my shit back. Then im done. [that makes two]
What are you talking about? I didnt steal anything.
Yeah I remember getting my period so fuckin what?
Ur not making any sense. Just drop it.
U fucking handed them to me to get a cab!
Wow. Yeah. What was I thinkin. Ur fucking jesus. Way to b. Im so very done discussing this absolute bullshit with u.
Once again, please dont forget anything really want to do this in one shot if you dont mind.
I tried to get you in cab to go home but you and gary were bein stupid. First gary calls you a cab then wanted you to stay. It would have take all night for u to sober up and I didn't want to be there anymore. I just wanted to go home. I cant tolerate being stuck somewhere I dont want to b. I didnt evenw ant to go to the fucking wedding in the first place. [which is why she brought a lovely dress and did her hair up amazing]
What time thursday will u b dropping my stuff off?
Midnight?R u serious? Why midnight? Thats kinda of a odd time...
Uhhhh k. U close the clinic that late huh? Hmmmm....
I guess midnight will have to be fine then. Just please do it. Im really gonna need everything for this weekend. Thnx.
Dont forhet my sisters bike.
Oh jesus. Drama queen. No one 'hates' u.

So that was from this week, this is from May 22-
Hi baby! Just wanted 2 say hello. Thats all. Bye now. take pictures. Xoxoxxx

That is what I miss :(