June 01, 2003- Arrving in Madrid and San Sabastian

<2:53 PM (Idaho) 11:53 PM (San Sebastian)
What is this? Third, forth day in Spain ? Thursday….miercoles, viernes, sabado…. four days I guess. At times it seems like the longest and shortest four days I have ever had. The week or so before I left Idaho went by in no time. It makes a bit of difference when you have no home and keep all you shit in a locker, hoping the whole “Open after 24 hours thing," doesn't include your locker.

I still don't know what to think. It is quite a bit better now that I have a place. I think the traveling life would be fine, had I packed for it, instead I packed for living for three months. I have to admit things did not get off to a good start in Madrid . I still get pissed off about the pick-pocket that tried to nab me on the Madrid metro. I am so oblivious to the customs I still don't even know what I could have said or done. It didn't help that I was loaded down with all bajillion pounds of my pack and sweating like a pig… San Sebastian is nice, it's small, yet still huge. I can easily [as much as my poor feet will let me] walk the whole city, yet there are still 250,000 people packed here.

The fact I can comprehend little to no Spanish doesn't help, I feel as if I am at a big disadvantage, “Lets take advantage of the foreigner” sort of thing. It's funny that I can actually say something like that when I have met so many nice people. First there were the other students I met in Miami : Caleb and Julieann… it's too bad I had to take a shit and miss getting Julieann's email, we hit it off the little we were talking, both lost in a sea of people, unaware of the tidal wave about to hit us.

There was a lot about Madrid I didn't like, the pick-pocket of course, the heat {in combination with the weight of my pack and the breaking buckles}, and lets not forget the prostitutes in the park derece de el alberque. Seriously, the first thing Caleb and I say on our way to find the hostel and I figured later, the reason we missed it, was because of the topless black prostitute on the phone. Let's not forget the fairly decent one we saw get picked up, or the tens of others we saw in their short shorts. It wasn't a good impression. Caleb and I had a decent time tooling around Madrid , doing the few things that we had to do, but it was more like a sailor desperately clinging on to the capsized boat. Two lost Americans just wanting to hear familiar sounds. We then parted our ways, him to go to Morocco , me to the hostel surrounded by whores. After a mad dash across the city by metro I got there to enjoy a meager dinner minutes before the cafeteria closed. Although it wasn't the best, I ate every last bit, not knowing when I could truly afford eating again. Needless to say I hate the constraint of money, especially when so far away and after my parents asking me hundreds of times if I had enough money to do this, maybe I should have done that budget a couple months ago instead of on the plane to Madrid . I then met David, an Italian who had been studying Spanish for the last year and traveling throughout, and one of the nicest guys I have met. I first met him once I got in from eating and he started talking in Spanish, after the frozen look of confusion he saw upon speaking Spanish, he started talking to me in fluent English, and although I knew it wouldn't help my endeavors to learn Spanish, I replied in English. Since there was nothing to do and I didn't want to leave the razor wire fences of the hostel, we talked about everyday sort of stuff while walking around the hostel. Met a couple of hot German girls, who we found after a few minutes to be 16, could have fooled me. The hotter blonde one was fascinated with the fact I was American, I think maybe a little attracted, but who knows. Having nothing better to do, and being exhausted from the trip, we went to sleep early. This was the first of many sleepless nights for me, my mind constantly thinking of what the fuck I was going to do the next day…. Hopefully now that I have a place of semi-permanence, things will be better.

The next day, David and I made our way to the nearest metro stop and soon parted our ways. I forget where he was going, but I had to get out of Madrid . I went to the bus station Caleb and I had located the day before and bought the ticket to San Sebastian . I waited next to a Spanish guy and although I couldn't say anything clear to him, we still communicated on the basic level of admiring the fine women walking by. Bien o bonita!

Next was the 6.5 hours bus ride next to the Spanish teacher of 37+ years, all I really got out of that trip was a few picture of the county-side [not as alien as I though it would be, yet still the buildings we as old as America] and an apprehension that I would be hopelessly lost due to my lacking in Spanish skills. Although I felt she was annoyed with me, the old lady helped me and got me on the right bus to go to La Sirena hostel. After a few more “Donde es….[point to hostel address]” I arrived at the hostel, only to find I could get a room for one night. I then met my new roommates and friends. I was happy to hear an American voice, it belonged to Jared, a surfer from California starting the second week of a two month tour of Europe, I also me Cayson, an Aussie who had been all over the place, including Canada most recently to go snowboarding, and our neighbors from the Canary islands, only the boyfriend could speak English, but the girl was super-model hot. All but Jared left, so we went out to explore my new home. The beach I came to find was not as good as I had originally hoped, the water was cold and it was hazy from the marine layer in the air. Jared and I found a little café and had some very un-Spanish sandwiches lathered in mayo [sick!!] and we glared at by the old man behind the counter. Once again I was mute when it came to the Spanish part of conversation with people and was lucky Jared was there. We went back to the hostel only to meet our other roommate C. That was all we knew him by, because we couldn't remember or even pronounce his last name. C was a little guy from Bankok who had graduated from and art school there and was awesome. We looked through him water-color book and saw pictures from almost everywhere in Europe and many from India . He then showed us his true love, his sculptures. He had a picture book with the most amazing stuff of stone, metal and wood, one which was in the center of Bangkok . The guy was seriously amazing at his art and cooler still because he pointed out good places for me to go climb at around town.

It's so funny, although all of this was only Friday, I get impressions of these instants more than anything… and I haven't even had more than 4 drinks since then. Which leads me to my next moment in history: Cayson showed back up from who knows where with a couple beers, he offered me one, it was no problem since it was only .22 euro, a nice pils from Germany. Edwardo soon showed up, I can definetly say my first impression of him wasn't the best since he was fairly silent, maybe the fact that Cayson was loud and brass in comparison to Edwardo's silent, just-off-the-plane, being that made me think this… whatever. Cayson, C, and I decided we would check out the Friday night life.

It is late though, so I will get back to the rest of the weekend, Claire who knew 5 languages, the girl from Twin and the new place for Jared and me.

The feeling from Down Under

A busy month behind and ahead.
Hope for a calm December,
but doubt it.
My calender shows it,
Aya ceremonies,
weddings,
concerts,
and a gimpy dog left in Idaho.
Since then studying,
working,
fraternizing.
Halloween was amazing.
Tried hustling for TWD party,
volunteered at zomBcon,
Shamen costume a hit.
Sat night Smoking Bill at Julia's,
many friends,
a drunk retard pawing me,
while others girls eyed me.
An Aussie friend of Kim's,
short skirt,
slutty baseball outfit.
Her 1st Halloween.
She also imbibed a bit much,
I was more than willing to help.
I was sober,
gave her a piggy back ride,
silky smooth legs
wrapped around my bare torso.
Squeals about her bum showing,
kissing on my neck and ears.
Devonn gimping,
the rest trailing.
At Jesse's complex we passionatly made out,
til the rest arrived.
Naughty!
D is a wasted mess.
Tips over the couch 1st thing.
I proceed to ignore her,
secretly flirt with Janelle.
Leave when the awkwardness is too much,
make my decision.
Take D home.
Walk her downstairs.
She falls 1st thing.
Flag down a cab,
walk her to her buildings gate,
tell her I'm not coming inside.
Go back to the party.
Unburdened!!
We have a seance for Jesse's dead neighbor.
Now the only 'awkwardness' is due to my past,
with Ellen.
It's fine in my head,
I assume in Ellen's,
not Janelle's.
Doesn't stop her from following me into the hall,
embracing,
carressing,
amazing.
Sobriety comes to my aid again.
Offer to drive the girls home,
no cab costs,
more opp for me with her.
I ended up spooning with her on the couch,
for the few hours until work.
Tried and denied.
Admirable.
The next day she went back to Vancouver.
I've been planning my trip since.
Everyday her texts start and end my day.
I'm elated.
I'm also realistic.
She's hot and 4 hours away.
Since then I've learned,
Jesse tried cockblocking me,
telling her I don't have a home
and a STD.
FAIL.
Ellen helped me out.
As I'm dancing at Julias
J-"I can't tell if your friend in the bones is hot."
E- "Yeah! Go for it. He's great in bed."
Her words, thus far-
Oct 31- 952a--Hey :-) no I didn'y :-( so tired but I can hopefilly sleep on the awesome bus! the cat was deteremined 2 keep me awake and she did! Yeh sounds like a plan!
952a--=Hopefully my life will be 2gether soon i miss having a semi normal life! Hope works not 2 bad 4 u although sucked you had 2 get up and leave early! Xo
1206p-Yeh would have been nice huh but got 2 earn money :-) sorry didnt come up with kim a little hung over right now :-( i look like crap
740p-Well I am safe and sound in teh land of canada again soooo tired though! If you wnat to msg me ull have to get me at this number til I'm back in the states. How was work? Xo
Nov 2- 314p-No way! Now thats scary and so weird poor dude! [referring the seance we had for Jesse's neighbor, who we found out had actually died.]
551pHow are u anyways?
1047p--Nite nite sweet dreams enjoy the rest of work
Nov 3- 1043a-Hey sorry I did getr missed call but had my phone on silent u must have just missed me :(
912p-Haha sorry I'm in a nice hot bubble bath by candle light and my phones on silent and yeh I hate recording those things lol oh yeah wat she say? How long were u guys together? [Ellen]
947p-Don't take offense I suck at talking on the phone lol
1013p-:( u suck with your phone even more! Nite Nick [I was cooking at the Dub and got caught up]
Nov 4- 242a--You crazy kid why u biking so late? I just figured u were at work! She missed the part bout telling me u were her ex which immediately I was like ok no go zone then she said no seriously its fine etc. I'm never normally cool with that though so took awhile! how long were u with her for? Oh yeah u planning a trip to korea? Do you know where I left my bat? Ha ha
251a- Ohh she also said u were good in bed :)
903a- Oh gotcha well she is a girl we tend to always want more! Its great u guys are still friends.
918a- Yeh I'm still friends with my exs but a lot of ppl don't get why I stay friends with them! U know why I have scratches on my right thigh did I fall into a tree of something? Lol last time I drink tequila I don't remember how much I had and where my bat went! Now I have to get a new one if I want to wear the costume again
941a- Hahahahah omg yes now I remember falling haha what a cluts! I remember u carrying me! Jessie also told me you had an sti! And I remember this guy talking to me then asking mm if he could kiss me and I said no he said are you sure haha. At least I remember bits! Oh yeh why a smile huh? [I replied about her legs wrapped around me and kissing my neck]
1009a- Oh yes I remember that do you mean my silky scratched legs lol how's ur friend btw? Heard from her?
507p- I've had such a shit day and need a massage and if I remember ur a pro at them too bad u live ages away huh-
605p- Hahaha no I wouldn't take u away from ur life and engagements and atm I'm staying with a fam friend so I wouldn't have anywhere for you to stay! U do know its at least a 3.5 hour drive yeh? Arghh I just want a job so I can get my life into order and stop stressing
728p- Hahaha I would not let u sleep in a tent! No its not odd its teh accent huh? What u studying?
807p- I've decided to become a stripper lol good money then I can get a place
815p- Lol really? Well would be a way to get ppl to kno me
837p- All for it then?
858p- Hahaha ud need a week to work on me! Listen to u! It's only been 4 days miss me huh?
935p- its tempting! But its a no for now wait til I get myself set up somewhere then u owe me a massage but ur not allowed to hurt lol I have a lot of knots! I do want to see u though I've never had someone drive 3.5 hours just to see me before lol oh I'm sure u can be! What do u study? Heard from that sweet girl?
957p- Oh nice when is it? That's good then sucks for her! If u haven't noticed I hate walking on ppls feet! What u thinking?
1011p- Mm yeh ur puppy :( poor little munchkin I remember you telling me about her! I love animlas I walked into a pet store today and wanted to buy all the puppies and cats :) mm its a trait that can sucka t times but I'm happy with who I am :) so u have no life atm
1046p- Well busy man ill leave u to it! take care xo
Nov 5-1125p- Today was much better!
Nov 6- 1206a-Hahah sounds like fun! Magic? My day consisted of job hunting and my first ice hockey game in which the mascot confessed his love for me haha
516a- Oh hey no fair u could have just let me believe I was special! Now I'm just like everyone else! Sorry guess I passed out before u! Nite
953a- Good morning Hump fest? Hmm not sure yet I'm such a bum I just got up!
1030a- We have sexpo in sydney once a year doesn't sell out though its a massive venue! Sounds like fun!
1044a- Oh come on going with a lesbian is so much better!
1058a- Mmm and remembering is a bad thing? Hey maybe ull meet another aussie :)
1151am- Haha true like last sat :)ok have fun xo
521p- Nice red wine sitting in front of fire soo good!
536p- Nice so u a good cook?
908p- Oh yeh well natures getting alittle cold now! I hat efreezing my butt off! You know I've never seen snow fall and only touched snow once! So if ur a good cook and give great massage why are you single?
1119p- I hope ur having a fabulous time :)
....11/29
The conversation has continued.
For better or worse,
she still calls,
although I confuse and frustrate.
Chocolate stawberries,
17 y.o. dog 2 years gone.
Missing wine and bath time.
She misses me...
and my wicked ways.
She hates men,
I'm rude for numerous reasons,
I worry her,
she doesn't know about us.
SHe wants to go out on a date,
she doesn't want an open relationship,
she is willing to come see me.
My living situation is known.
A busted tailbone at 7.
I didn't seem interested in her day,
I'm too busy for her.
She's been last priority too many times.
She can't sleep thinking about me.
'Distance makes her double question things.
We would be better as friends.
We're so different in every way!
I like u but there is always something upsetting me.'
I reply I'm calm like a monk.
She's just a stress case.
Constantly blowing me up
'I'm a shmuck lol'
She's glad she met me.
'I may get angry withu doesn't mean I think bad of you!
Mozzies LOVE me!
Still not sure about us btw'
Every guy she dates starts working out after they meet.
WTF am I getting myself into?
I think of the potential,
but damn!!
Haven't even made her squeal in delight,
and that's usually when the crazy switch gets switched.
On top of everything else right now,
this is just more silly stress.

acahuaya

Before 9/11/10
Preparations have been made.
Brew is cooking.
I am ready to don white.
Tabla rasa.
Regardless the events ,
of the day,
week,
year,
life.
All done and over.
All that matters is I am Here.
Be present.
It is all I know,
What do I want tonight?
It's not a workout plan.
Bigger pecs,
cut abs.
Tonight I am not sure
what/where I want [to go].
I am content to be led.
Whether it's through
dimensions,
times,
or my subconscious.
I want to tap into the natural.
The forgotten realm
modern day has
Dispelled as superstition or myth.
The connecting thread
between it all.
What symbolism will come out.
Rhythmic chanting.
Rattling beads.
Earthy aroma.
The humid air.
Transport to the jungle
we came from.
When 6th sense kept us alive.
Even without brew, I'm feeling...
something.
We sang to _______.
We stirred.
Imparted good energy.

Days later-
slightly dejected.
Subconscious alterations not as satisfying.
MEdicine imbibed.
Effected.
Affected?
Nothing feels different.
Which could be for the best.
Reiki manana.
See who/what is with me.
Will the giraffe turn to Anubis?
A question asked numerous times.
In different situations.
Why not me?!??
I had prepared for the extreme.
I dressed in accordance.
Ritual adhered to.
To eager??
Years of anticipation.
Hours or preparations.
For a millenia un-experienced...
consciously.
It was a deep slumber
Should have closed the circle,
but responsibilities ruled,
phone works both ways.

Lost things

I last met the girl,

of my dreams,

when I stopped.

Admired beauty.

Time to breath,

to think,

Yet I want to go.

To converse.

When I do stop.

No one is around.

Without a phone,

lost being a guide,

and explorer,

I feel more alone.

SO many people.

I want here.

Now.

Even my dog.

A vacant hole inside.

The beauty of the world,

not enough to fill it.

Ocean surf in front,

bluffs behind me,

I've still been happier.

With Her.

That is ,

all the Her's.

Moments shared,

longed for.

I can only hope it will come.

And stay.

A storm passed?

July 2 7:19am-
T- U should be awake right now cause.... No.... strike that... I should have taken advantage of the moment, kicked jamie out and fucked u for what may very well b the last time. But oh well... what can you do? ;)
me-Well now I am! And teh last time I have sex with anyone will be b4 i die. I may not be worth a shit as a boyfriend but I do have some redeming qualities
T-ur so funny... but what a waste to wait til u die my dear...
T-Well till before the moment u die or...?
me-I do have a house to myself... let me tend to the critters and i'll be over
T-I can always count on u to be the dramatic one ;)
T-Wanna come over an watch a movie with me an pretend its simple again?
T-Okie dokie. I hope you like black metal
me-As long as your not refering to the gun lorenwants to shoot me with :)
T-No. I made sure to txt as he was goin to work.

Crisis averted.
Or continued?
An awkward return of items.
Unreasonable protectivness.
Easy when you get told one version.
Back to 'home',
a short couch,
some stinky bitches.
The next morning I awake to the above conversation.
Ex sex is the best.
She comes back.
We watch movies and all is simple.
Drink a lot.
Her secrets revealed.
Yet still talking to me.
She gets pissed I'm tired.
Then she takes a nap.
A mellow night,
in a warm bed.
Saturday.
Jealousy rears its head,
a promised ride denied.
Lucky for her,
I was going down,
to Zombie town!
Bevs and bites,
pillows and blankets,
fake blood and makeup.
A day in the sun,
a shamble in Fremont.
We were planning on watching the movie,
hence the prep,
but plans changed.
To the Mercury.
Once again we waited.
Guested in,
to the dank smokey den.
Full of ugly people,
hiding in black.
Except the flame haired guy,
two women on his arm.
We shared.
Anger came later.
At the man with dragons.
An arm around her waist,
a twisted wrist.
Wish I had broke it.
Along with the candle in his temple,
hot wax in his eye.
Rage unknown!

T-Nah. Dog replaces u well better conversationalist :) just cant sleep

Who did I miss more?

Who causes me less strife?

T- We just got back from a day at the beach. How r u?

T-Sweet. She-ra and I r goin to a drag show tonight.

T-Sooo I have a wedding on saturday. Wanna go with?

T-Im passing on the wedding on sat. Highland games that day. Wanna go?

July 8

drive up to see my bitches,

dog sit.

Buy requested beer and rubbing alcohol,

take out the purple.

Passion.

Sleepless night for her,

ended up in recliner,

leave me undisturbed?

Although I sleep like the dead.

Wake her to tell her I'm leaving.

Want her to come,

go for a hike,

a lake,

the ocean.

Escape the heat.

She's running on few hours of sleep,

in multiple days.

Grumpy.

I think some nature therapy will help her.

She thinks I'm an asshole.

'You'll just hold me back."

Not my best choice in words.

The truth.

But it hurts.

I leave so she can rest.

T- Come back when ur done.

T-If you were nice u would have stayed. Nevermind. Dont come back.

me- if you treated me like a friend instead of a foe... I know you feel bad but hating on me wont help.

I really like you and want to be around you but there are times I wonder if i'm just your whipping boy fuck toy

I wonder why i keep coming back for me

T-Ur not a whipping boy. or the center of the universe, drama king. Believe it or not this has nothing to do with you. But u have no remorse or understanding of what this feels like. U think I can just shrug it off an go hiking, and when I cant you make me feel bad. Thats the last thing i need. I cant relate to ur lack of compassion. SO dont bother 'coming back for more'. So sorry to inconvenience u. But u knew what u got urself into beginning. Did I not warn you here.. so it is what it is.

me-I'm sorry you perceive it that way. GOing to take the blind dog for a walk then go to deception pass. I would love your company on the drive.

T-well im home. Otherwise, Id guess id be ur company, much to ur disdain it seems like.... anyway, have fun.

me- I want to share the experience with you but I don't wnat you to tax yourself. We will mosey along at an easy pace. I just think some nature will help.

Leaving my cousins. Want to come play in the water?

A couple hours on the beach,

a bridge,

no thoughts of jumping.

Just think it would hurt.

How tall is it?

Back to reality.

A couple beers,

a light snack.

A nap interupted,

by her text.

Go to her place.

Intending on just getting leash,

Thinking she once again hates me.

Smooth things over,

til things get too hot.

Tacos and pick tacos,

do not mix.

I make it up to her....

a few times.

Early riser,

tend to doggies.

Highland games.

Tool?

on and on....

Today
t- Ur still comin tonight right?
me- of course. I feel bad enough you waited this long. Plus I was going to do a couple massages.
t- What do massages have to do with anything?

to which a reply is pointless.

Blood, Weddings, Breakdown/up

A weekend started with good intentions,
A concert to share.
Ruined by an empty stomach
and a half gal of whiskey.
The true price of drinking.
$130 hula hoop gone.
GF pissed and crying,
show she waited for,
2, 3, 4, months [?]
$22 concert not remembered.
$70 she spent on....?
Gay pride,
makes me think I was roofied.
'Cept I know I was sole culprit.
Sat spent making up.
Roses, wine, sushi, a new dress.
Wedding rehearsal,
picked up after she rallied around,
a quite night with a movie,
I fell asleep.
Mind you,
this was the full moon night.
Sunday---
[insert ominous music]
work,
left early for wedding,
pictures,
obligations,
ceremony,
unknown blood.
Traumatized girl,
a quick change of clothes,
short off my back,
used.
Already red.
Then,
open bar.
Chatty old men,
jealous,
dancing me.
Drunker and drunker,
Hotel,
Ford fornication,
squeeky rack,
passed out make out,
but not with me,
slapped and jacked.
Running away,
into the night,
pass out in truck,
a beacon...
of fultility.
No bluff.
Left everything.
Dead me,
expected calamity.
At least she waited.
An end to the madness?

Now- her words.
yoga studio, check. Trapoline, check. lawnmower, check. Front lawn, check. Ur room, check. My room, check. Ferry boat, check. Am I missing anywhere?
Well I need everything I left in your truck.
Lulu- She's home asleep :)
So when can I expect my shit back? I have your id. Im holding it hostage.
And your little friend gary can eat a dick. I'm sure he's enjoy it. Biggest asshole ive met so far.
Worst fucking weekend ever. really. Couldnt have been shittier. Thank you. Did I forget to thank you? How rude of me.Had nothing to do with u? Wow. Really. Whatever nick. It is what it is all I care about it getting everything I left at your house and in ur car back.
Seriously. When can I get my fucking things?
[call to get Stephen's side]
Ok. Well loren is more than happy to come down and collect them but I dont think u really want that.
Fine. Please make sure u get EVERYTHING of mine. I really really dont want to have to ask for anything you left behind.
[try calling again cause my thumb was getting tired]
Theres about nothin to talk about.
Im gonna need my shit sooner than thursday. My life is in that bag and thursday is four days away.
Oh please. U didnt even know him. u had ask him his namewhen you got to the room earlier that day and he just kissed me. Calm the fuck down. Its not like we're even exclusive. And I didnt get my stuff cuz it was ur house. I didnt want to go all the way there not knowing if anyone was home.
[note- I lived with him, have known him for almost a year. We had talked about being exclusive. AND she has my roommates number and could have called him.]
I have nothing more to say to u [obviously] so u can stop calling me. I just want my shit back. Then im done. [that makes two]
What are you talking about? I didnt steal anything.
Yeah I remember getting my period so fuckin what?
Ur not making any sense. Just drop it.
U fucking handed them to me to get a cab!
Wow. Yeah. What was I thinkin. Ur fucking jesus. Way to b. Im so very done discussing this absolute bullshit with u.
Once again, please dont forget anything really want to do this in one shot if you dont mind.
I tried to get you in cab to go home but you and gary were bein stupid. First gary calls you a cab then wanted you to stay. It would have take all night for u to sober up and I didn't want to be there anymore. I just wanted to go home. I cant tolerate being stuck somewhere I dont want to b. I didnt evenw ant to go to the fucking wedding in the first place. [which is why she brought a lovely dress and did her hair up amazing]
What time thursday will u b dropping my stuff off?
Midnight?R u serious? Why midnight? Thats kinda of a odd time...
Uhhhh k. U close the clinic that late huh? Hmmmm....
I guess midnight will have to be fine then. Just please do it. Im really gonna need everything for this weekend. Thnx.
Dont forhet my sisters bike.
Oh jesus. Drama queen. No one 'hates' u.

So that was from this week, this is from May 22-
Hi baby! Just wanted 2 say hello. Thats all. Bye now. take pictures. Xoxoxxx

That is what I miss :(

Txt madness

Jeremy
lol.I have a feeling you'd be afraid that life could pass you by bc someone was holding you back. i think you just need a very particular kind of women.
Michelle
I have an opinion if you want to hear it.
Jeremy
lol. a particular kind of lady, indeed. there's one someplace. probably bathing naked on the pacific crest trail or something.
Taryn
I've been over it. Never was mad inthe first place. Just bored. Indifferent.
Karli
Ok. Keep me posted :)
Taryn
Would be or will be?
Lindsay
Thanks darlin'! We're playing on friday at the morgue if you wanna come down :]
Beth
Were having an 80's party this sat, you must come!
Taryn
Call me tonight so I can figure out the details of my weekend
Merideth
What was up with the text last night
Rachel
Hehehe I was gonna say 'whats the occasion?" hehehe where to? I'm down
Jen
Did you want to go watch the game? I think I'm going to do downtown and watch it
Karli
How was your massage
Shelly
Gonna go out and get into trouble in that?
Karli
If you changed your minda bout inviting me out just let me know so I can make other plans
Rascal
being a nice guy is a good thing.... not all hot chicks like assholes.
Trust me , I like hot geeks
Merideth
Gotcha- is this girl from up where bryan lives
Karli
Nah i'm good. Putting my dresser together. Thanks tho!
Which I wish I could get video. Lol butter knifes are like duct tape. Work for everything
Merideth
K I can't keep up
Shelly
Hell yea when I get back into town we need to hang out lol
Merideth
Whatever I should get a huge box of condom so u will be safe
Jen
Not sure about noc non, I was thinking about making break tonight
Shelly
Haha does bp not include beer inyour universe?:-) granted i play with mix drinks
Merideth
Well that is good u know I have to put out there considering what I do for work
k good
Karli
What are you wearing to noc noc?
Shelly
Lol I missed the kidding the fuirst read through and was like whaaaaaat. Then was like no this man is high
Karli
Shut your face. Ur Really wearing teh tux? lol. Thats awesome
Pam
Fabulous picture! That woudlbe fun... I always wanted to check out the fourth over the water there too. Sadly never madeit. What's on the agenda tonight?
Daphne
Cute. What's going on this week?
Karli
Lol. Amazing. Whats the dress attire at this place? Thats what I''m looking for. Is it casual? Jeans, t-shirt, wedding dress, sweats, ball gown?
Daphne
What the fuck?!?! Thanks for telling me. To who?!
Pam
Lol and and how are you feeling about beings et up and shopped for
Jennie
K I'll see you shorly
Severina
Black ;)
Karli
:/ dressy w/ a goth twist. Interesting. Thanks btw
Shelly
Don't scare me like that making think you have gone crazy square and not your hippie self
Karli
Really? Did you really just send that. Lol
Sarah
How ever she wants!
Mike
Any chance you an run the black mower in the front? Thanks
Karli
Can I make a small request?
Sarah
are you rocking the tux?
Karli
Wondering if u wouldn't mind meeting me at my place and going w/ me. I have no clue where i'm going.
Bridget
Wat's-a-happenin'?
Karli
Booo! I'm so bored. Wish i was there.
Karli
You have a what? omg im so jealous! I've wanted one for years.
:)
Taryn
Ur a tard
Ben
Are the girls going with?
Karli
I'm going to call it a night
Severina
On our way!
Sarah
Waiting for sev to pick me up, shes on her way now...we should be there in 20 mins! ;)
Jennie
Hey thanks for letting me see the house. I found a place that fits my needs a little better (fenced yard for my puppy). good luck finding a new roomie!
Lulu
Hi nick. Is it cool if u meet up w us after the concert? Would you b able 2 drive so I can get my bike outta of ur truck? Ill buy you a drink if you do :)
Taryn
So im thinking it would b easier if I spent the night at your house on friday night. Are you gonna skip rehersal dinner?
Pam
Lol always a plus
Shelly
Sup
Taryn
Ok. Afterwork on sat can we r goin straigt to pride then yes?
Or do you have to go to jesses show? Kim just txt me about it. How long is it? We have to meet ariel and tom
Either way. Ariel and tom take forever anyway. how long is jesses show?
Kenzie
I have a show tomorrow at julias on broadway at 4-6. Free and in the beer garden!
Shelly
nice where you wera it yesterday
Heidi
Busy night! Beer? or bbq food? Nothing? Something? :)
Adam
Hi Nic how r u? I have text now so txt away
Pride in NY, la was a few weekends ago. Suked. Things are good. Busy as hell. Glad that we can chat now bcit's soo hard fore to talk on tele
Shelly
What place
Adam
Z galerie, internship and school. Nothingt o exciting or strenuous. u? Ohhh I live by runyon now
Taryn
Uhhh... that woudl be great but i'm coming up w lu and we're leaving depending on baby daddy schedule. Boo. I don't know y i have to suffer, I didn't shout out a kid :(
Karli
What are u up to?
Shelly
Nice super jealous can not wait til october, just bought a ninja turtle belt buckle

this is me being kinda lazy....
I should have done this for my meltdown,
but I enjoy the pleasant aftermath I'm in now.

Duality

of all the emotions bouncing around

my brain

no one really sticks

there is anger

frustration

then introspection

do i really need to loosen up

am i vanilla

when she says she is

am i to take anything seriously

or do i already

i have enjoyed the company

the solitary quiet

the boiling rage

the sweaty jostling

a soft giggle

a hard slap

taken all together

viewed with hindsight

fun overall

I laugh at the ridiculous

the pain

the shrieks of pleasure

like Vegas or Disney

numerous sensations

rolled up into a package

though

not as gimmicky

i shudder at the feeling inside

I wonder........

is this a path of madness

righteousness??

now a break

self reflection

meditate

what do i want??

am i a man swimming in chains

slowly wearing down

a quiet empty abyss

yawning to pull me down

suck me to its depths

they say drowning is a return

in utero

9 months getting out,

a lifetime getting back in.

My tail twitches in amusement.

My new tryst

Erotic arts,

Joose loosed,

a day of insight,

translates into

conversation starters.

Swans and flowers in sync,

she sees 1st love,

infatuation,

twitterpation.

That shiny gleam,

the new relationship smell.

She sees me.

I charm my way,

back to her friends,

a night flies by,

I sleep for 10 minutes,

rush home,

work like a zombie,

home to nap.

SEAF to reconnect.

Find a meat head on her arm.

Disappointment.

I wander,

meet new friends,

pop a pill for sensory enhancement.

Help heel abused feet,

network.

I woman climaxes under my touch,

under two writhing 'friends.'

Run into Taryn,

reconnect,

sort out the 'date' situation.

My confidence is resolved.

Until....

she is making out with him and her.

I go with the open spirit of the night.

Knowing who she will end it with.

Hoping.

Lose Taryn

at least its to her friends.

still....

I find the other her,

work my reflex magic,

'Would I be too forward asking for your number?'

Plans of a menois a troi- step 1.

Prove my skill.

Show the date.

She is disturbed by my demon eyes.

Home bound.

Reconnect,

bring home for another sleepless night.

At least I had foresight.

Work and rally North.

Disturb another roommate.

Road rage fueled drive home.

One day later and I'm back.

hooked...mutually.

Runaways,

comics,

baked salmon,

Claw marks,

music,

past proclivities revealed,

she's shocked I'm not.

Hedonist,

choking,

yelled at for sleeping.

I explain human physiology.

Wake up blissed and marked.

Plan the next few days of varied adventures.

A strange slumber

Another drunk night,

in a drunk week.

Meeting up with friends,

over beers.

End up at the Duchess again.

She Ra getting more compliments

than Cody.

Too Optimated.

Pretty girls caught my eyes,

I did not catch theirs.

Came home to pass out.

Woke up at 6am,

fully clothed,

on top of the blankets,

pounded some water,

a couple advil,

took the dogs out,

passed out again.

A dream,

a man backing over She Ra,

me busting him in the face.

Cops come as he laughs,

I swing the brake lock into his temple.

A killer blow that does no good.

I then realize I have assault,

to explain to the cops.

Woke up with a start.

Good thing it was a dream.

A life of [wasted] potential

I have a vision.
It isn't in a city,
there isn't a membership,
beyond those of a rich lifestyle.
I come across another retreat.
So exclusive,
you can't even apply online.
resumes are only accepting
on the rarest of parchment,
written in gold and saint blood.
I've always been a dreamer.
Envisioning myself places.
Either I've never made it,
or reality always falls short.
I know I am not proactive enough.
The hardest part of the journey is the beginning.
I think of giving up altogether.
Resigning to my normalcy.
I am not special.
I do not deserve to life I want.
Suck it up.
Work a job.
Pay the bills.
Die.
More often I just want to skip to step four.
What holds back the knife,
the gun,
the pills,
the ledge?
Connections?
The sadness such a selfish acts brings.
Because we all live in shit.
My ancestors suffered far worse.
Ambitions we simple,
a plot of land,
a fire to warm the bones,
a plate of food to fill the stomach.
Or is it the possibilities?
The adventures.
The road yet to travel.
A combination of the two.
Yet people also hold me back.
She-Ra holds me back.
So I think.
Or is it just another excuse,
something to blame,
other than my apathy.
I just found you can apply.
No blank forms,
just an email address.
An opportunity to set myself apart.
No gold type needed.
Just data and Easterday charm.

What if?

One of my favorite comic series Marvel did was the 'What if?...." line. The premise was about slightly tweaking the storyline of various superhero's, like What if Gwen Stacey hadn't been killed by the Green Goblin? What if Doctor Doom was a part of the Fantastic Four? It is still an ongoing series but with tweaks of story arcs I have no clue about, ergo how could I appreciate the subtle change.
I started thinking about this tonight after a conversation with Yesenia [the current... ??... girlfriend...?] about how if she didn't have a baby and had a job/car our relationship would be more than it's current once-weekly conjugal visit. This got me thinking because I've oft thought she probably wouldn't have given me a 2nd glance were she not in her current situation.
This got my mind going at full speed thinking of the numerous other "what if" situations throughout my life.
There are of course the countless financial ones I dwell on... especially as I am eeking out an existence- 'What if I hadn't quit Walgreens before going to Thailand?' Then I would have come back to a job and and decent income while I slowly made the transition from WAG Asst Mgr to massage therapist extraordinaire. Would I still be in LA because I was making a good dual income? Would I have taken that money and developed a nasty coke habit? Would Paul have finally introduced me to Kevin Nealon? Would I have eventually worked at the Playboy mansion and gain my notoriety? Then I have to think of the converse. It was due to how little I was making at Escape combined with the high cost of living in Redondo Beach that led me to Tamarack, one of the best experiences of my working life. Then I wouldn't be able to say I use to snowmobile/kayak to work.... where I massaged celebrities, met the first girl I said I love you, and meant it. Also I wouldn't have had that whole world eventually shattered.
Here's a biggie-- What if my parents were of my mindset when they were in college? Then I sure as shit wouldn't be writing this because I would be a particularly heavy period after my mom ingested whatever pills of the days caused abortion. I never really thought of the true ramifications of such a decision until I found out in high school I could have had a sibling.... Still wouldn't have a kid, not now for damn sure.
What if... the car that hit me in 7th grade had been a truck? Assuming I wasn't turned into road burger I doubt I would have escaped with only a concussion and sprained ankle. It's science!! Maybe a little geometry as you factor in the angle and height of the car that allowed me roll up the hood vs. the blunt impact.
What if I had become paralyzed from the waist down, like Jess my girlfriend [who I just found out didn't consider us that] that 1st summer back from college. I wouldn't have started snowboarding in 9th grade. Perhaps I would have read even more [though I don't know how that could have been possible... I read all the time], delved further into video games and comics because my parents would sympathise with my wants to compensate for my lack of legs. Would I have been less dark and macabre like I was high school. Would I have instead focused on activism and inclusion of minorities.
There are so many potential paths that could have spiraled out of that instant. I was thinking about this will Jess... she couldn't enjoy a lot of the things I do, with me. No hikes up to alpine lakes, no last night skinny dipping in the ocean, no Ankor Wat or those damned inevitable Mayan temples!!
It's interesting to think of myself as solely cerebral. There wouldn't be the internal debates between staying in to read and type or going for a bike ride or camping.
Maybe I would have partied more!!
"Hey I'm a cripple... give me those pain killers and hookers to make me feel good about my sad lot in life!" Which would of course be a total scheme 'cause I would be feeling pretty fucking good with all the sympathy drugs and pussy...[like midgets] assuming all the plumbing didn't get fucked up [maybe like midgets].

....Well this has been a fun walk down fantasy lane. When it comes down to it though what is the point of suppositions? What happened, happened and your making your history every second... Time and thought should factor past actions when considering future ones. Why dwell when you could compel... propel?? What the hell?

Love/lust/apathy

I question motivation. Dad told me the trouble, the commitment, sticking your dick in, will bring. There are diseases. Pregnancy. But worse still- Emotional attachment. I get it. I really do. The coital bliss. The sense of connection Tantra means to extend. But this time, she ruined the mood. Talk of.... nonsense. Ex's. Mine and hers. Moments after the fact. I still question her motivations. After another $50+ bar tab. What sort of ride, is she looking to take. When details go in one ear out the other. Repeated questions. Imply lack of initial interest. Does she suffer from PGS [Pretty Girl Syndrome] With all the usual symptoms- turns heads, poor conversation skills,
expensive tastes. She asked, numerous times, my sign, Aquarius. [bow down bitches!!] She asked what that means. Recall Emma's magnet- aloof, unattached, unemotional... Some would say bad attributes. I say good survival skills. While all apply. At times. Opposite is true. Now I see possibilities. Hopefully a kink or two. No adoption papers. Once again leading a girl on? Though she already seems prepared. After last night, I see the problems, connections bring.

Family or otherwise. Hopefully no cops get called this time.

A fitting end of an age

An end.
A beginning.
Often I fear,
romantic interludes.
The potentials.
The constraints.
IDealized expectations.
This girls comes with a lot.
Not sure how much I want.
I do like the packaging.
A new king sized playground.
A momentous win.
Vandal spirit.
Like the time under the I tower.
Minus the snow.
Add attraction.
Equals?
There were plans.
NYE with her.
Long overdue slumber party.
Motherly duties.
Outshine parties.
NO midnight kiss.
With her at least ;)
Rallied with a seldom seen friend.
Explored new parts of this fair city.
Saw the space needle from a roof,
full of amorous,
happy people.
A couple drinks,
more herbal.
Pizza.
A mellow night.
Alone besides my bedhog bitch.
In a bed still to small for her.
The new year.
Decade.
Try to recall 99 NYE.
A lame GHS party.
Where I actually cared
about kissing at midnight.
It probably took a lot
of courage.
Now I have an angel.
Go for a nice stroll.
Recognize the tendancies of age.
Biked DT to escape.
Up in the Air
A man on the go.
Life lived out of a suitcase.
One night stands.
NUmerous connections.
Zero obligations.
A chance encounter turns for he better.
Something to pursue.
To eventual lies and hurt.
A goal reached.
Sad reality.
The Road
Distopian father and son journey.
Scene after scene-
Dispair.
Tough decisions,
based on the truest love.
A reason I fear a little me.
I will have to live on.
How would I fare.
Alone?
With She Ra?
Dad?Mom?
Who would I need?
To keep me from eating a bullet.
How hard would you fight?
With no one watching?
A wet ride back.
Better than blasted wastelands.
Back to the girl.
Do I want her.
On my arm?
my D?
Does she want me?
Or am I just a free ride?
Not allowing myself to bankroll
her past indiscretions.
Her gulibity.
Love[?] will do funny things
to logic.
Is taking is low good now?
Easing into things.
Like the frog in the pot?
Will it boil me.
Or will I have a pleasant bath.
Salts and scrubs.
I can see a happpy future.
The motherly instinct is sexier
than her banging legs.
Will she stay while I go.
Both would have to come...
The people weighing me down.
Or keeping me grounded?
The rest of the weekend
a blur of senseless anger,
mind-numbing work.
Now I write.
Plan a romantic dinner.
Long for sleep.
Knowing I need to motivate.